Compatibility Countdown – Can You Be Too Picky?

We spend so much time choosing a car and carefully considering the options: the upgrades, the mileage, status or ecological impact. We test drive to evaluate the comfort and compatibility with our lifestyle and imagine what life would look like with this car over time. Do we give the same consideration to our relationships?

Thinking about being in a relationship and looking for “the one”?  How reliable is your compatibility meter for relationship success?

Relationships are the cornerstone of joy and fulfillment in our lives. Studies show that people who have a greater sense of relationship clarity and compatibility are more apt to last longer and be happier. So, how do you determine what’s important to you and stay true to yourself in your pursuit for the most suitable mate?

If you are looking for a lasting relationship or are in the early stages of a new romance, take the time to and gain more clarity to get the love you want.

We have created an exercise to help you identify your needs and wants in the 12 areas essential to relationship compatibility.  Go through this step-by-step process to create your vision, help simplify your dating process and accelerate results. In the end you will discover your top 3-5 non negotiable traits to find the most compatible mate for long term happiness.

Step 1: Copy and paste these 12 categories below into a word document or write them out if you feel more connected to pen and paper.

Step 2: List the attributes and qualities that you desire in each category.  List as many as you want.  Be detailed and specific.

Step 3: Circle the areas of compatibility that are non-negotiable otherwise known as “deal breakers”. Be honest with yourself. If they weren’t present in your relationship, would you be unhappy and constantly feel that something is missing?

Step 4:  Now look into your past relationships and examine which of the compatibility areas you were missing or where you over-compromised. If you are dating or in a relationship now, are they still missing? If so, why are you still compromising?

Step 5: Narrow it down – highlight 3-5 non-negotiable traits / values that are a must for you.

The 12 areas of essential compatibility you need to focus on are:

1. Physical style: personal style, appearance, age, fitness range, eating habits etc.

2. Emotional style: attitude towards relationship and affection, capacity to express feelings and intimacy.

3. Social style: personality traits and interaction with friends, support group.

4. Intellectual style: education background, attitude towards learning, creative expression, cultural experience.

5. Sexual style: sexual experience, skill, attitude, willingness to experiment etc.

6. Communication style: how they communicate, attitude toward communication.

7. Family: willing to marry, have children, current status (divorced, with or without kids), values.

8. Professional / financial style: relationship with money, attitude toward success, and organizational habits, attitude towards career (ethics and priority scale).

9. Personal growth: attitude toward self-improvement, willingness to work on relationship, ability to change self.

10. Spiritual style: attitude toward Higher Power, spiritual practices, philosophy of life, moral views.

11. Hobbies and interests: level of activity, upscale, low key, time spent indoors, outdoors etc.

12. Community: contribution, volunteer work, philanthropy etc.

This is a guide/template for you to take the time that is needed to dig deeper into your wants and needs to create the clarity for success. It will help you when you are in the throes of making an emotional and impulsive decision. Just like getting swept up in the excitement of an incompatible sports car is exciting and attractive, the reality is – if you are looking for an SUV to carry camping equipment, the sports car may cause long term inconvenience and disappointment. It’s easy to get caught up in lust. If you are committed to long term happiness, it requires a bit of rational thinking and a commitment to your compatibility needs.

Be Courageous! Stop dating – even casually, people who do not embody your 3-5 non-negotiable traits. Start communicating to people the kind of person you are looking for and become open and optimistic about “who’s out there”. Life will test your commitment to yourself. Have the courage to say “no” to the incompatible options – even it is just for fun or to fill the time. The sooner you start being true to yourself, the sooner true love will be yours.

Courageously yours,

Joanna and Tanya