I like the title of this article because it can be taken different ways. When we try to get all the love that we feel is missing in our life out of our romantic relationship, it creates stress and challenges. A life filled with love comes from actively participating in giving ourselves what our heart craves: it includes a consciously loving relationship, but is not limited to it.
1. Truly love your self
When we love who we are, we have a strong sense of self worth and we are connected to our core values. We are not desperately in fear of being alone for the rest of our life, which means we can really see if the person we are attracted to is a good match for us.
If we are desperate it’s really easy to put rose tinted glasses on and superimpose what we would like our new love interest to be… even when they are not it. What we think is ‘being in love’ is actually just being in love with ‘the idea of who we would love them to be,’ not who they are. After the infatuation period has faded away and the pixie dust has settled, we are left with the real person and must face reality which can be quite shocking sometimes. Yes, with time and dedication we can grow in love. However choosing a partner when our heart is open and we are truly seeing and loving that person is an easier path to a consciously loving relationship.
2. Listen attentively to your heart’s desires
Our heart is constantly sending us signals and communicating with us. There are two main things our heart wants us to know: we are worthy of love and our dreams/aspirations. There are really only two modes of living: Love or fear. If we don’t feel love for ourselves and are not taking the time to care about our heart’s desires, we are living in fear, the fear of being unworthy or the fear of being incapable of obtaining what we want in life. Fear is not fulfilling and it disconnects us from our heart leaving us to ‘lead lives of quiet desperation’ as Thoreau said.
3. Act on your heart’s desires
The most fulfilled people are the ones who feel connected to the voice within, with their heart, and are are actively engaged in making sure that these two needs are fulfilled. When we act on our heart’s desires our life gets transformed: we are no longer at the mercy of the outside world hoping it will take care of us. We feel more loved and connected with self and others… more loving and less needy.
4. Know that Need is not Love
When we try to find someone to fill in the emptiness which comes from not fulfilling our life, we become needy and it feels suffocating on the receiving end. There are two main fears when it comes to relationship: the fear of being abandoned and the fear of being engulfed (by someone who is needy). Almost unbearable feelings of being unable to live without a person are not love; they are emotions that stem from fear. Love is quiet, not exalted; it wants the best for another being while respecting its core needs.
Having a loving relationship is one aspect of our life. Most humans need loving relationships in order to feel whole but it is only one aspect of our life. When I have a client who has a long list of things they feel their mate is not giving them, most of the time it is really about that person not going after what they want in their life. Taking actions to transform their career, physical health, finances etc, usually takes away the complaints about the partner. Once they give to themselves what they need, they don’t rely on their partner to fill in the emptiness.
5. Live in Gratitude
As human beings we live our life through three main modes: our mind, our emotions and our heart. Love, which is experienced in the heart, is not an emotion. It is our essence, and our life becomes more and more fulfilling as we learn to connect with our heart. The easiest way to connect and open our heart is through gratitude. When we learn to use both the support and the challenges of our life to our advantage, we can be grateful for all of the people and experiences in it. Gratitude brings a feeling of wholeness and abundance rather than need and void. In gratitude we are free to transform our life into what inspires us, free to love our selves and others. Gratitude brings love in our life.
Love & Light,
Dr Lise
