Are you scared you won’t find love?
From working with my clients, I see that if you are single, wanting a relationship and feeling unable to ever find someone to love and be loved by, it’s because at some level you are afraid of relationships. And the two fears are either the fear of being abandoned, the fear of being engulfed or both at the same time.
I like to use the yin/yang symbol to explain this concept further.
The yin/yang shows the duality that is present in each moment of our lives. In this instance we can use the dark side to represent the fear of being abandoned and the light side, the fear of being engulfed: they are polar opposite fears but they are present in each relationship as we oscillate between them. In a relationship however often one partner expresses one side more than the other. .
From experience working with thousands of singles, when I check them using the mind body work that I do on being congruent with wanting to be in a loving relationship, even when they profess they are dreaming of being in one, we usually discover that deep down they have decided that it was ‘too dangerous’.
Some people have extreme fears of being abandoned in relationships because of family dynamics or because of being ‘dumped’ and experiencing their first heartbreak usually in teenage years. This fear often sets up a pattern of shutting down and not going for the right match afterwards because ‘it would hurt too much’ if it happened again.
Some people experience more of the ‘ I am going to lose myself and my freedom’ if they grew up with parents with whom love was conditional, where you had to behave a certain way to get the love you needed. It can also happen from watching one of the parents having to give in all the time to the other and promising yourself as a child that ‘you would never let yourself be in that kind of situation’ which usually makes you the more aloof partner in a relationship – which makes you the perfect partner for the one who is too afraid of being abandoned by someone they could actually connect with. Thus a very common pattern is started: The only way to end this pattern is to do your inner work because otherwise “Wherever you go, here you are”.
So if you are single, ask yourself the following questions:
- What is love for me?
- Is love safe?
- What am I most afraid of in a relationship?
Look back on your past relationships and see what was the main reason they ended: Was it because you were afraid of being engulfed and were not giving of yourself enough? Was it because you were afraid of being abandoned and were so insecure that it kept on creating emotional storms?
As long as in the back of your mind love equates having more pain than pleasure, more danger than safety, no matter how much you profess wanting to be in a relationship, you will ‘never find the right person’. To be successful in a relationship you need to first know that you are worthy of love and you also need to understand the basic fundamental principles of successful relationships. Do your inner work, learn about love and have an amazing time being in a consciously loving relationship!
Want to learn more about love and relationships? Check out Dr.Lise Janelle’s website and my upcoming True Love Workshop.
